If...

If God allowed us to turn back time, where would you like to be? When I was younger, I used to want such an opportunity in my life. It was always about wanting to go back in time, and to remedy the situation. It was never about forging ahead, improving and mending what I have spoiled and see that having scars was part of the journey we are taking. It is alright to have bandages here and there, as long as we see these as experiences that mold us into better, stronger individuals.

Now I am older - 41 years old, to be exact. Not as pretty as I used to be also. But there were times when I was young that I find myself ugly because the person inside hasn't blossomed into a butterfly. Yes, I didn't have wrinkles then, yes, I wasn't pudgy then, and yes, I could wear a size 24 jeans and it will still drop to the ground, but there was something lacking inside and now, I think I am slowly filling up the empty spot.

I wish someone told me when I was younger that these things take time to develop and that experience will make us stronger, better persons. There were times when I hung out with the wrong crowd, the wrong people, and because I felt so lacking in confidence and they were full of themselves, I allowed them to dictate my life. I thought that was the way to go, but it is not.

When I see of young girls hanging out with boys who treat them badly, I want so much to reach out to them and tell them that the way they are being treated is not right. I have got a very wise niece who believes that 'good things happen to those who wait', and she trudges on to achieve her dream, works hard on her homework and studies, is a darling and an inspiration to her smaller cousins, and prays without fail to the one God she believes in. I like her. I like her way. Young as she might be from me, I find that I too am inspired by her.

Unfortunately, I know all too well that not many young girls out there feel 'right' about waiting because they lack the confidence and trust to the one they should put all their trust to that live can be alright even without that 'boy of their dream'. Too many women out there keep on sticking to a marriage or relationship where they get beaten black and blue, too, thinking they have no other place to go to. But there are always some place you can go to. You can go home to your parents home. You can go to your siblings. Stay with them until you are able to stand on your own feet and care for your kids (if you have any).

I definitely look at things differently now, than I did when I was in my teens. Good looks no longer make me turn to look twice. Well, sometimes it does, but the moment a person utters something, I basically know if I want to hang around that person or not. If someone treats me badly, I walk away.  And I relay these same messages to my kids.

Basically, I don't have any 'if's' in my life anymore. Things happen for a reason and we have to accept that and move on. My mother died because she was utterly ill. My dad died after falling from the ladder and suffering from brain hemorrhage. I don't know if they could be saved if I have done some things differently, and I don't care to find out anymore, knowing full well that I have done my best with regards to my mom. I have no regrets. I don't think she has any question in her mind that I loved her, and I feel that is the most important thing.

I hope to do the same for my kids. That they know their place in my heart. That they know where we are, all four of us together, that is home. I hope I relay the same message to the people I care for too. That they know their place in my heart. That I won't play around with their emotions. That is how I would like others to treat me, and how I think I should treat others.
    

Investing in your children

I was told once that the reason some parents refuse to 'give their attention' to their kids is because they are afraid to be let down when the kids are older. I wish I had the guts to tell the person that kids are your kids from the moment they are born, right up to the time when you die - they will always be yours. With your children, you don't have to worry about them saying 'I don't want you anymore. I am dumping you.' Your kids are not your girlfriend or boyfriend. They are not your spouse. They are your flesh and blood. Even if they say they don't want you anymore, your blood flows within them. They cannot 'undo' that without first killing themselves.

Some parents think that investment is putting loads of money into their children's account. Some parents think that spending quality time rather than more time with their children is more crucial. Some people think this, some people think that. I won't judge them. But we should sit down with our kids and ask them what is it that they want.

Some kids don't even know how to voice out their wants. They think they want a new hand phone, a new jacket, a new dress, but the moment they have it, they still feel empty. And yet some kids are busy tending after buffaloes, they come home and mom is there, they go to the fields and dad is there too. They don't have the latest handphones, the nicest dress, cool leather shoes and yet, they grow up feeling alright.

When it comes to my kids, I only wish for a few things - that I could spend more time with them, talk with them, laugh with them, scold them when they do wrong, praise them when they do right. To provide them guidance, to provide them love, and to love much until it hurts. That is investment for me. It is not so much about money, because I really don't have much of that to throw away on the newest gadget which they will soon tire and leave anyway. I come home and my kids kisses my cheek. I feel blessed.

It is okay if they leave me to build their own nest one day. I won't see that as a loss in investment. It is okay if they decide they don't love me at all too. It will hurt a lot, but I still don't see that as a loss in investment. As long as they are well, and they treat others with respect and care, and be kind to each other as God would want them to be, I will be happy and grateful. I will invest in them as only a parent should.